Dear Mang Tsito ... (II)

Dear Mang Tsito,

          Please help me, I don't know what to do.  I posted kasi my experiences during my horrible immersion in my Facebook notepad.  (As in horrible talaga, it's like, the most disgusting thing I had to go through in my life.  Ugh!  More on that later.)  It was supposed to be private kasi but some bitch in my friends list must have leaked it out for everyone to see.  Now everyone seems to hate me, and I don't know who to trust among my friends.

          I can't stand it!  Everyone in school is looking at me like I'm some evil person.  Why ba?  What's so wrong about being honest about my feelings?  What's so revolting about thinking I don't ever want to see another Negrito in my life?  They were dirty, and disgusting - like picking their noses everywhere!  Eeeeew!  And the children, they were like worse than the ones in Katipunan.  They were naked and dirtier times ten, and they were touchy!  As in!  I wanted to shout, "Get away from me you little demons!  I swear I'll kick you".

          So now I have to keep a repentant face as if I'm sorry for everything I said online.  I try hard na nga to not talk about it so that the issue will die down sooner.  I don't like having to explain myself.  I just can't understand how people would pick on me when it's not my fault that I'm rich and those filthy Negritos are, well, filthy.  I wonder if my online detracors have ever lived with Negritos like I did.  They're like the Mr. Hyde equivalent of the masa.  Kadiri talaga!

          Mang Tsito, what should I do?  I've taken a shower 20 times na in the last 48 hours but I can still feel like there are Negrito germs crawling up my legs.  Tapos I have to deal pa with this isolation that the cruel society is imposing on me.  Give me advice naman.

Exfolliatingly yours,

Tracy B.

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Dear Tracy B.

          Kupal ka.

          (Gusto ko sana sabihing "Gaga" para umayon sa kasarian mo, pero walang dating eh.  Mas bagay sa iyo ang "kupal".  And take note: ikaw lang ang babae na sinabihan ko ng ganyan.  Kung hindi mo naintindihan ang "Kupal ka.", ita-translate ko - "You are a lump of smegma.")

          Ang bagay sa iyo, ilublob ang mukha sa arinola na kagagamit pa lang ng call boy na may LBM.

          Pero dahil humingi ka ng payo, at dahil mabait ako, ito ang mapapayo ko sa iyo:  Maghanap ka ng call boy na may LBM tapos ilublob mo ang mukha mo sa arinola na kagagamit pa lang niya. 

          Bakit 'ka mo?  'Di ka ba nakikinig?  Bagay nga sa iyo eh.

          Kaya kong ipaliwanag ang dapat mong gawin para malampasan iyang kinalalagyan mo, pero bakit ko naman gagawin iyon?  Ano ka sinusuwerte? 

          Kung ako ang masusunod (i.e. kung ako si Fr. Bienvenido Nebres, S.J.) bibigyan kita ng expulsion papers.  Ayaw mong matingnan ng masama ng mga tao dahil sa kaartehan mo?  Pwes, lumayas ka.

Lovingly yours,

Mang Tsito