Ok, I'm going to go ahead and say it...

          It is not in my best interest to say this, but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway.  I'm going to say it because I don't want to repress this only for it to be subsequently released in some other potentially destructive form.  I'm going to say it because it's been years since I've written about how I honestly feel inside, and somehow, writing about other things does not provide enough distraction anymore.

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          Have you experienced this?

          You have not been in a relationship for so long that you have gotten so used to doing things on your own.  Surfing the internet and blogging becomes your favorite activity because it's something you can do alone.  You have lunch alone, you go to the movies alone, and you even go on out-of-town trips alone.  Hell, if you could go out of the country alone, you'd probably do it too.  You learn to block out images of couples you encounter everyday holding hands so that you won't dwell on why there's no one holding your own hand.

          Whenever you feel lonely you play some love songs on the radio/mp3 player/iTunes because it introduces a romantic element that is sorely lacking in your life.  Later on, you begin to avoid even listening to these love songs - especially the tragic ones - because you realize that it only reminds you of what you don't have.  And not just love songs, you also avoid books, movies, and even just TV commercials with romantic content.  You are not bitter, though.  You just don't want to reach the point of admitting to yourself that you are miserable being alone.

          You are aware that you are not bad looking, and in fact there were women who at one point found you attractive (after all, you have ex-girlfriends.)  Yet you don't see the point in making an extra effort of shaving, losing weight, buying groovier clothes, or even just getting a better haircut when no girl seems to be interested in you.  There's always a better looking, funnier, or more charming guy that gets their attention first, and you are left in the background of things.

          You try to go out, and meet girls... and find out to your horror that your social skills have deteriorated.  You have kept to yourself for so long that something as simple as small talk becomes so hard to initiate.  You encounter a girl you fancy and your voice stutters.  The old lines don't work anymore, or worse you can't tell at all whether the old lines are working.  You don't know whether her smile means she thinks you are cool or whether she finds you ridiculous but is just too polite to hurt your feelings.  You are reduced to looking at her when she's not looking at you, but can't stand looking at her whenever she does look your way for fear of further making a fool of yourself.  Of course nothing ever comes out of it, and you meet another girl that you fancy...and the same thing happens all over again.

          Sex never was the whole point in having a relationship, but now the abstinence is gnawing at you that you can't think of a single reason why you can't be entitled to an orgasm.  Your sex life is therefore reduced to staring at the downloaded smut playing at the screen of your laptop, while your right hand is pleasuring yourself.  You hate it, but you're too hormonally distrait to debate the morality of masturbation, pornography and other variations of violations of the 6th and 9th Commandments.

          To make matters infinitely worse, many of your old college friends all chose the same month of the year to get married.  All of your insides want to shout "It's a conspiracy!", but you are far too happy for your friends to even dignify that thought.  But it's there.

          Eventually, you do manage to date someone on a semi-regular basis.  But despite your best efforts, she does not seem to take you seriously.  Sometimes, she does not even accord you the courtesy of giving a reason why she does not want to go out with you on a particular day - and this scenario becomes more frequent as time goes by.  You desperately want to fix the situation but you stop yourself because you don't want to be seen as too pushy, or worse, obsessed.

          All these seeming disappointments and frustrations reach a tipping point until you cease all denials and ask yourself, "Why is this happening to me?!  I'm a good guy, I'd never hurt a woman.  I see total jerks get the best girls the whole friggin' time!  Why can't I get it right?"

          So do any of you experience this?  It does not have to be exactly the same.

          The reason I'm asking is because I'd go crazy if came to the conclusion that I'm the only one.

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          There.  I said it.